Where Do I run When Everyone Falls Asleep?

I always hate life as the days goes by, but then the midnight come and that’s when everything hits me in a second just like a truck, or a meteorite, or big bang just happened or whatever big that is not really good.

I always know that I do always on my own, i knew it from the start. I just hate when the midnight came and made it more obvious. It’s not that noone is kind enough to accompany me through the darkest. It’s just… hard to go through

Changes are scary, or at least that’s what I though. I hope the HR or recruiting team for the corporate I applied never read this, because I sometimes said that my “strength” is adaptive. Well it’s true (this sentence made to convince the recruiting team), I do have ability to fit in just fine in a new environment, totally adaptive as it is. BUT, we all knew that feeling in between two big phase in life. The top 2 is usually after highschool graduation and after the real ones (the uni graduation), it feels like we all get hit by a truck called reality, and the realization that we all on our own came.

Then the question pops up, where do I run when this happens? or sometime it’s more like, so what now?

Everything seems so blurry and scary, feels like I don’t even want to open my eyes anymore, I just wanna sleep at night… But I couldn’t. Indeed everything is blurry, but it is also crowded as it is, there are much things but blurry. Which made everything worse because I can’t even focus on one thing at a time, and everyone, that’s how adulting described oversimplified.

But, then another thought comes “How can I am not grateful for everything I had? Did I take it all for granted?” No. The answer is simply no. If you still have that thought, then you are a considerate person. You consider being grateful, you are being grateful. We can questionable our life choice while being grateful, it is nowhere near opposite, they can happened side by side at a time.

So, where do I run when everyone falls asleep? Nowhere. I should just sleep too and look forward to another new day ahead. Then what? Then, I have to face the ordinary day I will live my life, the not-so-special daily life with challenge and many nights of crying, of course there are smile too (I hope). Life is build by choice, we always have choice, even in the most dead-end situation there will always choice and hope. We should never run from anything to anyone, we just have to go through it and never depends to anyone, because that’s just how life goes.

Falls asleep is indeed a way of everyone runs from something they encountered. It leads the answer to the big question, we are the “everyone” so just sleep when everyone falls asleep.

Keep Being Alive

I used to be sceptic back then when people said “kpop help me” this and that. I really think it was such a bullshit thing to say, just like a song said ‘How can we love someone we never met’?

But then, I understand. Sometimes, an Indonesian phrase that said “tak kenal maka tak sayang’ is just not happened. There are many ways artists can hug their audience, and that way seems nonsense, but also sometimes we need nonsense reason just to keep us alive.

University was never easy for me, when I thought I already hit my lowest, there comes another rock bottom. Life was never fair, or that was what I thought. I still am thankful for my ‘real life companions’ that keep comforting and supporting me, but sometimes it is not enough. Or when the ‘real life companion’ itself was the problem, where do I need to hand my life into? God? Of course, but often it isn’t that easy.

And that’s the place for my fellow idols (kpop or not) that keeps me alive the every next day. I remember listen to BTS – Life Goes On, or NCT Dream – Life Still Going On, or Seventeen – Lean On Me when I hit my rock bottom and crying out all night just to wake up with swollen eyes like someone just hurt me the way I never thought before. I felt like those songs pat me in the head and make sure things are okay, everything will be okay.

Maybe it is not a song, maybe it’s a book, a poem, a movie, or whatever art your artists’ made can always hug you on your hardest day(s). I feel like we don’t need to know them personally or they don’t even know we are breathing the same air in the same planet, but that’s okay because they’re like one of the reason I still breathing in the same planet with them.

I really understand if people found this cringeworthy or too much, that’s okay. Maybe the people that thought that way never felt so low that they hit rock bottom twice a month. Or maybe they already have someone in real life that know them so good. Good for them. But maybe not for me.

It is always okay to have something to keep living everyday, no matter how small or how insignificant it is. Just like you want to see the next episode of the show, or to see your ultimate bias comeback with a black hair, or you want to see nekoma vs karasuno match in animation, or you want to use the coupon that you still had, even by loving someone you never met.

There’s nothing wrong with seeking something that makes you keep alive.

You just need to keep being alive;

But I Miss You, What Did I do?

Let’s jump into Gamma’s head because he is not a person who is able to express his feelings through a “Full of Blabbering Letter” just like Alfa did.

---

If it was serotonin for Alfa, it would be 2 Soon for Gamma.

This thought came not because he interviewed for a job like Alfa did, this came when he open Alfa’s gift to see a Killua T-shirt and a printed letter with arial font, so Alfa of her, and a mixed feeling for him indeed. Happy to see a cool designed t-shirt of killua, but a letter? of her calling him “long lost seat mate”? After all this time they been through? Only “seat mate”? Are they not even friends? What the hell Alfa? How come she wrote this with no hesitation? Does she forget how desperate he is when he wanted to celebrate his ex’s birthday? Does she not hesitate? Does the feelings already gone “gone”? Not even a chance to having a small talk while riding the motorcycle on a starry night?

Gamma is sad, it’s true, but it’s not because the hunter x hunter is on hiatus, because it isn’t! Does she not know it’s already revealed how phantom troupe first formed? The story of Chrollo and Uvo in meteor city? She doesn’t know, does she?

Gamma is sad, caused by the shortness of this letter, this doesn’t sound like Alfa. Alfa likes to tell stories, full of chatter, but not in this letter

Is this a farewell letter?

Just like the opening sentence, 2 soon would be Gamma’s song for today’s feeling. Maybe not the ‘fake love in the shit hotel’ part. But, it surely the ‘But I miss you, what did I do? Fuck it up, laugh it off and I lost you’

There are many things Gamma could list on and on making everybody knows Alfa was one of the best thing he ever had. Some of his top lists are making sure they had their boundaries and made being alone together a fun things to do.

As an AB-blood type person (and as she really likes to brought this blood type things up), Alfa really had this thick layer of wall she build to everyone, Gamma and her family included. Everybody has their own wall from Alfa, the difference is just the thickness of layers she build. With this being build, the boundaries she set is also there. And Gamma went through all the layers she made and learn new things about Alfa everyday, this was interesting, until they broke up and Gamma go straight to the end of the wall, the thickest she ever built.

This wall she had, made Gamma realize everybody should appreciate everybody’s boundaries, and Alfa did this. Alfa really made him comfortable without being too much and too far. She didn’t really had herself over Gamma’s life but still making sure Gamma is fine.

Being alone, is Gamma’s favorite thing to do. Being lonely, is everyone’s nightmare, including Gamma. But with Alfa, Gamma can be having his being alone time a good time. They just sit there eating cream soup silently, sightseeing Jogja’s suburban area silently, walking in downtown pedestrian area silently. Or maybe it’s not silent, it’s just Alfa talking without asking Gamma’s reaction. Perfectly alone-together night.

The Fun Guy— is usually how people describe Gamma, but on the inside he really had his totally not-fun part, i mean aren’t we all? With Alfa on her side, he really had everything he could imagine, not perfect, but it fits just right. He still can be sad, alone, angry, and any other things people usually not expect him to do, with knowing she’s not leaving his side —at that moment.

He surely know he can live without her, he just don’t want and don’t know how to start it all over again without the liquid courage he took every weeks, or worse, every 2 days. And that’s everybody, how 2 soon being Gamma’s life soundtrack

Every day, every night getting wasted

But I miss you

What did I do?

Fuck it up, laugh it off, and I lost you

A Song

Welcome to “salt air and the rust on your door” month. (Yes, this was supposed to be posted in august, please blame on me for this one)

It’s already Alfa’s last year of university, oh and Gamma already lost in the memory. August really holds a special place for Alfa (and maybe Gamma too, but Alfa didn’t want to speculate it). They first encounter as a seatmate back then was in august back then. First time moving together (as a couple) to Jogja the city full of love? August. Alfa first day of uni? August. Big concert with Alfa as a committee? August. Many things happened in this salt air and the rust on your door month for Alfa.

And now, in this spectacular August is the time when Alfa needs to do something for the her final year, she needs to be having an experience as an intern. As we know how crazy Alfa is, she enroll herself as a creative intern near her ‘real intern’ place (which we know Alfa isn’t in a creative major in uni so), and we also know how great she is as a person that she made herself into interview.

“Oke, mba Alfa, selanjutnya kita intermezzo sebentar, bisa kasih lagu yang describing yourself ga? Boleh dalam bahasa inggris kalau lagunya bahasa inggris atau emang lebih nyaman gitu untuk pertanyaan ini”

Another fact about super-prepared Alfa is, she always come prepared. But, this question today really is not in her list, not even in her “just in case” list. She really is surprised right now, which is a rare and hated thing for The Great Arsenia Lifa.

“Hmmm… saya pikir dulu sebentar”

“Silakan, take your time, Mba”

Alfa really had a hard time there, as a super-organized and super-prepared Alfa she usually had everything organized in her thoughts (excluding Gamma), everything is in the right shelf in her big brain. But now, everything is messy, chaotic, like that one episode of spongebob where his brain goes on fire, that happens on Alfa’s now. She feels like the serotonin as a messenger on her brain isn’t working, or worse there isn’t any right now.

Oh, shit.. the Serotonin!

That serotonin songs from that one Indonesian band that she plays on loop on the first week she found it. Maybe she could describe that song to show how desperate she is. She had a glimpse of thought of other songs like: Meant To Be, High Hopes, Ever Enough, but then serotonin it is.

“Serotonin, I guess for now it’s serotonin by Pee Wee Gaskins”

“Oh, bukan sebuah rahasia?”

“Uh, bukan, haha” tawa Alfa renyah sebelum menjelaskan lebih lanjut “Kayaknya itu dari album yang beda, deh. Saya gak secara spesial suka band ini, but I guess this song hold a special place for me”

“Ok, go on”

“Actually for me, I understand that it’s a super desperate song. It actually tells when serotonin pills can’t even help them, but as we can have different interpretation of songs, like how ‘It’s Not Living (If It’s Not With You)’ by the 1975 that tells about an addict but really often used to interpreted that a person can’t live without you—a person. I saw this serotonin song like that”

“So, how do you interpret it?”

Alfa ever reads that this song describe a person really is desperate that serotonin pills can’t help them, they intoxicated theirselves and yadda-yadda. But, Alfa really holds on to one phrase that said ‘Now I can grow to infinity’ and some other phrases that really describe the person can already liberated and grow. She really doesn’t know how to describe how her brain works to elaborate a super desperate song into a finally-free song. The room is in silent again as Alfa thinks really hard that her brain back on fire.

“I interpret it specifically in just some sections, as a starter, I tried to answer the question in the first two phrases which is ‘If I cut my heart open and carve you out, will I ever recover or forever in doubt?’ I personally think that everybody has a special person that already left, and I had that, too, even maybe plural not singular. So, whenever I faced a person or even a situation that seems like a burden to me, I tried to ask myself that question.”

“So, you asked yourself will you ever recover from it or—?”

“No, I asked myself what’s the best option, or from that phrases is like— should I cut my heart open or not, so I can get ‘My heart liberated from the anchor that once was a burden that bounds’ and made me ‘can grow into infinity’ it’s also there later in the song, I think it’s on the pre-chorus. I really understand if people disagree or had a different perception from this song, because I interpreted it just by the phrases that I think catchy—for myself at the situation when I first heard it”

“Wah, mba Alfa cukup berbeda ya jalan pikirannya, it’s a good one though”

Full Of Blabbering Letter

5:53 pm

[user: Arsenialfa making a new document]

[user: Arsenialfa writing]

Hello, Gamma.

Happy twenty-something birthday. Hoping u had the best year and life ahead. I still remember how confused I was when u asked me what to say for your ex’s birthday when we were seatmate, but here I am writing it the fullest for u specially and confusedly(?), well idk if that’s a word .

This is already your i-stop-counting-birthday-already since we’re friends (a relationship we had included), and your first since you get your architecture bachelor degree. Although, I feel like we haven’t talk regularly for these past years (specifically after we broke up), but deep down you’re still my friend, my ex-seatmate, also my ex.

So, beside this letter is a birthday wishes (which my wishes only in the first sentence of this letter), this is also a thank-you-for-what-we-had letter. Please prepare yourself for this super cringing and full of blabbering letter.

Maybe in another universe everything last forever, including our relationship. Or maybe in another lifetime we still being together against the world. Or another chances we still haven’t know each other, maybe we’ll met at a museum looking at everything head empty and bumped at each other unintentionally. There are too many maybes if I talked about us. Including maybe we never be together at all.

But living in the present showed me that there can be a relationship, when two people too distant to be seen having a propinquity, but also too close to be called stranger, well that’s what we are now from my point of view. Having u (past tense) in my stressful days was already a blessing, your existence is a blessing. You may never hear me saying this in person, but on your special day today I’ll let you know it, you are a blessing.

Going to my objectives that this is a thank-you-for-what-we-had letter, I really had to say a proper thank you for our long enough friendship (if you still consider us as friends). I still remember many portions of batagor you bought me when I was too lazy to go to canteen. I also remember how you really made me study three hours straight of newton’s law I, II, and III for the exam in the next week. Or the chocolate with less sugar in every cafes we get through. Thank you for being super considerate for everything, maybe you see it as a very little things, but you also know there’s a movie titled ‘A Little Thing Called Love’ don’t you? We watched it together in the free time back then. Thank you for showering me with all the ‘little things’ you had.

This letter become too long now me thinks… But that’s just how life goes on, full of blabbering here and there. Considering you are one of many people who really hate blabbering, here comes the closing of the letter.

In this twenty something years old you’ve already been, maybe that’s also my time to let us go fully. Maybe you already did long enough ago, maybe you have already seen me going out with some guys, and there may be much more maybes. But, letting go of us was never in my book, maybe this time will. There’s nothing easy about this, neither being back with you. This thankful letter will be my new start, this was written just so I could talk it all out before starting everything clean and clear. You may not needed this, I am the one who need to say this.

So, thank you so much, Gamma. Keep being the cheerful radiation as you are.

6:37 pm

[user: Arsenialfa closed the document]

6:40 pm

[user: Arsenialfa making a new document]

[user: Arsenialfa writing]

Hello, Gamma bachelor of architecture.

Happy twenty-something birthday. Hoping u had the best year and life ahead. Please don’t forget to invite me for all you can eat birthday party in kintan buffet (anytime any days, I always accept this invitation even if there’s nothing to celebrate).

Here’s a simple killua t-shirt to cure your sadness because hunter x hunter is still on hiatus even on your birthday this year. Cheers!

Your long lost seatmate,

Alfa

6:46 pm

[user: Arsenialfa printing documents]

Sulit

“It’s okay maybe our love just already dried”

Having Gamma talked it that way was already making a big hole in Alfa’s life.

“Gapapa, Fa, we already tried many ways and many doors together before. But maybe we need to be alone… for now, for the sake of ourselves”

Sekarang, rasanya bukan lagi bolong besar, tapi rasanya dunia Alfa runtuh. This world just not fair, ini bukan kali pertama mereka seperti ini. Tapi, rasanya begitu menyakitkan karena kali ini their love already dried, atau minimal begitu yang dikatakan Gamma. Selama ini banyak masalah mereka berdatangan tapi their blooming love menjadi salah satu alasan akhirnya mereka kembali lagi.

“Kita… beneran udah gak bisa lagi ya?”

“Iya, seenggaknya untuk sekarang”

Sekarang yang disebutkan Gamma kali itu ternyata bertahan lama. Setidaknya cukup lama sampai sebelum Alfa menemukan pria berkacamata lainnya yang rambut tebal yang suka acak-acakan karena terlalu lama di studio. Dengan kemeja flanel buluknya yang sebenarnya ada setengah lusin di lemari, tapi warnanya sama semua.

Tapi tidak cukup lama hingga Alfa menyadari, maybe our love wasn’t dry, but it was our ego that blooming too much.

Menurutnya kali itu, lebih baik menurunkan egonya daripada harus berkenalan kembali dengan lelaki berkacamata —yang adalah kriterianya— dari awal. Rasanya sungguh malas untuk menjelaskan lagi ia tidak suka pedas, atau buburnya yang ia sukai baik diaduk maupun tidak, atau potongan ayam favoritnya adalah paha, atau tentang bagaimana ia mendengarkan lagu terus menerus ketika awal menyukainya, dan masih banyak hal lagi.

Tapi, mungkin kadang memulainya dari 0 memang diperlukan.

Begitu pikiran Alfa yang berubah dengan sangat cepatnya setelah melihat Gamma kini merebahkan kepalanya di paha salah satu teman perempuannya ketika Alfa berniat mencarinya ke salah satu open space andalan Gamma.

Mungkin, mungkin ini bukan masalah besar untuk semua orang. Tidak masalah mungkin bagi beberapa orang. Tapi hal ini semacam menyadarkan Alfa sebagaimana tiba-tiba sebuah baliho besar muncul di kepalanya, bertuliskan “kamu itu bukan siapa-siapanya, lagi.”

Diam hanyalah satu-satunya hal yang bisa Alfa lakukan sembari mengambil langkah keluar dari tempat itu dan berpindah ke toko kopi yang terkenal dengan nama yang sering salah di gelasnya itu.

Maybe our love wasn’t dry, maybe it’s us that lazy enough to water it.

Simpul Alfa malam itu sambil melihat ice signature chocolate nya yang dituliskan “have a nice day:)” oleh baristanya. **Mungkin mencari pria —berkacamata ataupun tidak— tidak akan sesulit itu. Tidak sesulit melupakan pria berkacamata yang hobinya memakai flanel dan menghisap lintingan (benar-benar ia linting sendiri) tembakau itu.

Mungkin semuanya tidak sesulit itu.

Tidak ada yang salah dengan menjelaskan preferensi makanan ataupun genre lagu favoritnya kepada orang baru, dibandingkan terus menyakiti dirinya sendiri dengan mempertahankan pria berkacamata yang tidak seberapa itu.

Mungkin tidak sesulit itu.

Mungkin.

Mungkin juga sulit dan tidak mudah.

Tidak ada yang tahu, sebelum benar-benar dicoba, bukan?

Only Love Can Hurts Like This

“Kamu mau jadi pekerja proyek dong berarti?” Tanya Alfa sedetik setelah mulut Gamma menutup menjelaskan ia ingin mengambil kuliah jurusan arsitektur

“Mau! Emang iya itu tujuan aku, keren gaksi pake helm bawa blue print kemana-mana gitu, Fa?”

“Kamu jadi guru aja tau”

“Guru?”

“Iyaa, guru matematika, apa fisika juga boleh”

“Tapi katamu aku sombong”

“Emang, nanti kalo jadi guru, yaa semoga sombongnya bisa berkurang sih”

Percakapan semacam itu biasa terlontarkan Alfa dan Gamma selama mereka sebangku. Dari jurusan kuliah Gamma yang sudah sangat jelas ke depannya, gado-gado kantin yang katanya akhir-akhir ini tidak seenak biasanya, ataupun obrolan acak lainnya. Obrolan-obrolan ini tidak ada artinya, tapi bagaimana Gamma selalu menanggapi celotehan-celotehan aneh Alfa, ataupun selalu menyeletuk di tengah kebosanan Alfa, hal tersebut yang begitu berarti bagi Alfa.

Bahkan, masih terus teringat dalam pikiran Alfa, meskipun kini sudah lama tidak bersama.

Hal ini yang membuat Alfa berpikir berkali-kali ketika ia sadar Pram mulai membuat gebrakan besar yang ditandai dengan langkah kecilnya mendekati Alfa. Ia sadari dengan Pram yang mulai memberi ucapan-ucapan manis di sela-sela hari yang melelahkan.

“Fa, gaada yang salah tau nyoba sama temen sendiri… lagi” Jelas Nita yang kali itu sedang datang ke Jogja

“Gak ada yang salah memang, Nit, kalo berhasil. Terus juga nih ya…” Sanggah Alfa

“Apa?”

“The vibes, after the one person accepted the feeling tuh beda banget, dan apa ya, hmm… Kalo udah ngelibatin perasaan tuh susah”

“Kamu takut kehilangan temen gitu?” Nita berusaha memperjelas poin Alfa kali itu

“Itu juga. Tapi, di fase awal tuh.. aku berusaha fokus ke diriku sendiri? Kayak… before ‘it’ comes misalnya nih aku bisa hidup sendiri tenang, tanpa nunggu kabar dia. Tapi, habis itu habis kayak ‘oke gas acc’ aduh bisa gak karu-karuan gitu loh karena nunggu kabar dia doang? Atau kayak tadinya selalu ngerasa dia tempat cerita kita, terus misal dia sibuk bingung dah tuh ‘aduh cerita ke mana ya?’ Kayak, being dependent to a significant person, ugh, I don’t want that feeling… yet”

“Yah, Fa, itu mah Mba Paloma juga tau”

“Paloma? Siapa? Dia tuh penulis?”

“Paloma Faith, yang nyanyi Only Love Can Hurts Like This.”

“Anjir. Kirain siapa. Tapi emang bener dah Mba Paloma, kalo udah pake cinta mah ribet yak, bikin sakit”

“Iya sih, Fa. Tapi kalo orangnya worth the effort mah gapapa”

“Nah, tapi tuh tau orangnya worth the effort dari mana, Nit? Gak ada evidence based nya”

“Anjir, segala bahas evidence based sih?”

What’s So Good About Jogja?

Your own memories.

I have seen enough things about goodness in Jogja; Jogja this Jogja that. Also the bad ones, one of it? The standard of minimum wage.

There was one phrase that said “Jogja dibuat ketika Tuhan sedang jatuh cinta” is it really it? I don’t think so.

But, I DO have a special heart for this town.

These past few weeks’ trip to another places (yes, plural) made me realizes it more clearly that I do have a special heart for Jogja. Words really can’t describe it because myself alone didn’t even know why is it special.

I wish I could say it is because a person, a person that made this unfamiliar city feels like home. But it really isn’t the one special factor.

I wish I could say it is because the feels when I do a city strolling; the city lights, the warmth, the Malioboro’s ambience, the beach, or whatever it takes to be called holiday’s typical attraction. Maybe it is a plus point, but it really isn’t a standalone point that made Jogja a full of love city.

Just like how life is, there is no standalone point why Jogja is good; is a full of love city; or more extreme, a city that was made when The God itself falling in love (which I believe it did not). There are many factors, and how Jogja string it all together, made a special core memory, at least for me.

Each city is special, different people has different their-city-of-love, a month full of trip leaving Jogja made me realize, Jogja is one of my their-city-of-love.

So, I will stay in Jogja forever and always, don’t I? No.

Love is love, but it’s not build by possessive feelings. The same feeling I have for this particular city. I love it more than the local’s standard minimum wage, but maybe in the future I should leave Jogja and all the memories behind. Although me myself doesn’t even know when this future is, but I am sure the day will come, I will be leaving this city by moving to another city and living my another best-days-of-my-life there or leaving it on the day I leave this world.

This writing is not a farewell letter from me to my own city of memories; Jogja. It’s more like a commemoration “I have been living in Jogja long enough to make a commemoration” letter. Another objective is to made my(future)self having a clean and clear memories that why I love Jogja was never a solid one factor: it’s never the person, the ambience, the (not so) cheap lifestyle, the city light, the many holiday’s attraction. It was how Jogja string it all together and carve it to my core memories.

At the end, what makes Jogja so good is my own memories, and Jogja has the biggest part of string many phenomenon into a strong and beautiful one.

Let Her Grow By Let Her Go

Alfa looks so much better now

Begitu pikir Gamma saat melihat salah satu unggahan foto Alfa di media sosial

“She looks good ” Ucap teman di sampingnya, seperti bisa membaca pikiran Gamma saat itu

“Iya kan? As she should” Jawab Gamma ringan

“Kamu oke kan?” Tanya teman di sebelahnya itu

“Okee… kok?”

“Yah, takutnya kamu gak seneng aja kalo dia jadi lebih baik tanpa kamu. Kalau misal kamu gengsi ngakuin, she looks pretty much the same, sih buatku. It’s just… the smile getting brighter. Tapi dia juga emang dari dulu gini kan, Gam?” Penjelasan temannya kali itu diakhiri dengan pertanyaan

“Gini gimana maksudnya?”

“Gak pernah kelihatan sedih dan selalu ceria”

“Dia bisa sedih juga lah—” Belum selesai Gamma menjawab kali ini sudah dipotong temannya

“Iya, pasti, Gam. Cuma maksudnya kesedihannya gak ditunjukkin ke orang lain” Jelas temannya

Jawaban teman Gamma kali itu membuatnya mengingat kembali betapa sebenarnya Alfa tidak begitu. Alfa yang sungguh sering menunjukkan semua jenis emosinya, dari menangis di kaki lima, marah di tengah kemacetan saat terik, ataupun bahagia menonton film dengan akhir membahagiakan. Bagi Gamma semuanya terlihat jelas.

Atau Alfa yang sengaja menunjukkannya dengan jelas kepada Gamma?

“Dia kalo ke kamu ekspresif, ya?” Tanya teman lainnya yang membuyarkan pikiran Gamma kali itu

“Iya” Jawab Gamma singkat

“Berarti dulu dia bener-bener percaya kamu”

“Iya” Jawab Gamma singkat lagi, “Atau mungkin dulu memang dia sering sedih karena ada aku” Lanjut Gamma

“Mungkin beberapa bagian iya, tapi gak juga lah, Gam” Hibur temannya

“She never looks sad ever again, tau, liat nih” Jelas Gamma sambil menunjukkan deretan foto Alfa di profil media sosialnya

“It’s instagram, everyone is happy and rich there, kali”

Jawaban temannya itu menutup perbincangan malam itu terkait Alfa, sebelum meloncat-loncat jauh ke perbincangan lainnya. Sebelum pada akhirnya malam itu bersisa Gamma dan salah satu temannya (yang juga kenal baik dengan Alfa) tersisa berdua dan kembali membicarakan Alfa.

“Gapapa kok, Gam, kalo kamu masih gak biasa liat dia seneng, tanpa kamu” Jelas temannya di tengah pembicaraan kali itu

“Tapi, kan, siapa aku gitu dah” Jawab Gamma

“Kamu pernah denger gak sih ‘you let her grow by let her go’ mungkin hal ini udah terjadi, dan sekarang bukan cuma ‘her’ yang perlu grow, tapi kamu juga, Gam”

“But, it’s super sad knowing the fact that we grow separately.” Jelas Gamma

“Yah, itu part of growing juga, Gam. Merelakan. Mungkin juga dia gak se-happy itu, tapi ya namanya instagram kan keliatan yang bagus-bagusnya aja. Semua ini kan garis hidup, garis takdir juga, kalau emang sedih growing separately, ya emang harus belajar merelakan.”

“Gak gampang—”

“Merelakan gak pernah gampang, Gam. Tapi, dunia kamu kan gak berputar di dia aja, dan dunia dia bukan lagi kamu”

“Yeah, I should let her grow by let her go”

“It’s actually: you should grow by let her grow too”

Yang Terlewat

“I agree with inarizaki’s motto: We don’t need memories” Sahut Alfa saat menonton salah satu serial animasi bersama Gamma di suatu sore

“Kenapa?” Tanya Gamma

“Ya we don’t need memories” Jawab Alfa asal-asalan

“Gak jelas ah kamu, lanjut episode berikutnya ya?” Ajak Gamma

“Oke!!!”

Sebenarnya ucapan Alfa sore itu bukan tanpa alasan. Sebagai manusia, salah satu kekurangan dari Alfa yang ia sadar sulit dilepas adalah: ia yang selalu hidup dalam bayang-bayang masa lalu.

Saat kuliah, selalu teringat kehidupan SMAnya.

Saat SMA, selalu teringat kehidupan SMPnya.

Begitu seterusnya.

Sama halnya dengan kehadiran Gamma di hidupnya. Ketika masih bersama Gamma, di tengah banyaknya masalah, Alfa akan membandingkan kehidupannya di mana ia sendiri, atau ia bersama mantannya yang brengsek menurutnya. Betul, sudah tahu brengsek tetap ia bandingkan.

Kini, baru beberapa minggu —atau bulan— tanpa Gamma, ia sudah membandingkan kehidupannya ketika ada Gamma di dalamnya, tentunya tanpa mengingat potongan-potongan kisah buruk di antara keduanya.

Sungguh, motto “we don’t need memories” ingin Alfa patri di dalam otaknya. Sejalan dengan makna yang ia tangkap dari serial animasi itu, untuk tidak membiarkan kenangan terus menghantui dan harus fokus pada masa kini, berat rasanya melakukan apa yang kini menjadi motto hidupnya itu.

Tapi, membagikannya kepada khalayak luas akan lebih mudah.

Kehidupan harus terus berjalan segundah gulana apapun hari yang dijalani Alfa. Sebagaimana hari ini ia harus menjadi pembicara dalam acara yang diadakan organisasinya untuk menarik minat adik-adik tingkatnya bergabung. Setelah memaparkan materi yang ia siapkan, memasuki sesi tanya jawab, Alfa mendapatkan pertanyaan yang sudah ia nanti-nantikan:

“Kak, kalau dari Kak Alfa sendiri punya motto hidup gak sih untuk saat ini gitu? Atau mungkin yang relate buat kita-kita yang baru masuk kuliah ini”

“Hmm.. Apa ya” Alfa sedikit berpikir, sebenarnya lebih kepada menyusun kalimat-kalimat acak di otaknya “—Oh mungkin ini sih, aku baca quotes ini di salah satu serial yang aku tonton tapi menurutku relate untuk kita-kita yang akan masuk ke sesuatu yang baru gitu, quotes nya tuh gini ‘we don’t need memories’” Jawab Alfa yang kemudian dilanjutkan tarikan nafas panjang sebelum menjelaskan lebih lanjut

“Mungkin kedengarannya kayak gak menghargai banget ya? Kok gak ‘need memories’? Tapi, maksud utamanya bukan gitu, malah maksudnya adalah jangan sampai kita fokus dengan apa yang terlewat, karena kita harusnya fokus sama masa kini. Kenapa aku bilang ini cocok buat kita yang akan masuk ke dunia baru, kenapa ya? Ada yang tau gak?” Tanya Alfa melempar pertanyaan

Yang tentunya disambut dengan keheningan peserta

“Hahah, oke gaada yang jawab ya…” Tawa Alfa renyah, “—Karena gak semua yang baru akan seindah apa yang kita bayangkan dulu. Misal, misal nih, di semester depan nanti kalian bakal dapet banyak praktikum yang ternyata melelahkan, bukan gak mungkin kan kalian bakal bandingin ‘duh dulu semester awal gak gini’ atau malah lebih jauh ‘ternyata enakan SMA ya, banyak main-mainnya’ atau pemikiran-pemikiran lainnya yang buat kalian banding-bandingin keadaan. Padahal, yang kalian jalanin saat itu, dulunya adalah keinginan kalian”

“Jadi, buat kalian yang baru masuk ke dunia baru —dunia perkuliahan— ini, menurut aku we all need to focus on the present, and trying our best to do anything, gitu sih… Haduh maaf ya kepanjangan” Alfa menutup pernyataan panjangnya

Acara akhirnya berakhir, dengan panitia yang puas dengan pemaparan Alfa, dan adik-adik tingkat yang (semoga saja) termotivasi dan tertarik masuk ke organisasi, sebagaimana tujuan acara hari ini. Alfa juga puas, karena tidak ada yang salah dari apa yang ia sampaikan, tidak sama sekali. Yang salah adalah notifikasi gawainya yang menunjukkan pengingat yang telah ia buat sejak lama:

Ultah Gamma-Gammi SEMINGGU LAGI!!!

Sialan. Umpat Alfa dalam hati.